Deep Thoughts (contents may have settled during shipping)

< Thomas Kinkade is hella crazy. >

her: man. fuck thomas kinkade
me: I'd rather not, the PAINTER OF LIGHT sounds like he'd be one of those guys who like. does not have sex
me: he MAKES LOVE
me: EVERY TIME
me: with candles
me: and rose petals sticking to your ass. and the candle wax drips right on your tits.
her: i was totally just going to say that
me: and you're like DAMN ROMANCE
her: and there's like enya playing in the background
me: hahaha yes, enya
me: and afterwards he's like I WANT TO WASH YOUR HAIR. and then he feeds you strawberries but he misses your mouth a couple of times so your face gets all sticky and nasty
her: IT'LL BE SWEET
me: and then the next morning he makes you eggs and brings them to bed and is like
me: GOOD MORNING DARLING
me: WAS OUR JOINING OF SOULS LAST NIGHT NOT THE MOST EXQUISITE EXPERIENCE YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN
her: i am doubled over in laughter here
me: NOW ALLOW ME TO CONVEY THESE DELECTABLE SCRAMBLED EGGS TO YOUR POUTING LIPS
her: and the whole time you're thinking dude, i met you at a bar
her: like eighteen hours ago
me: nonono, you're thinking
me: PLEASE JUST UNLOCK THE DOOR AND LET ME GO
me: and he's like NO
me: OUR SOULS ARE JOINED
her: I GOT YOU THIS PROMISE RING
me: and then he angrily paints houses and flowers
me: LOOK WHAT YOU'RE MAKING ME DO
me: and you're like
me: NO GOD NO PLEASE
me: and he's like IT'S YOUR OWN DOING
her: TOO HORRIBLE
me: YOU HARLOT
me: Thomas Kinkade doesn't say whore or bitch
her: HE SAYS STRUMPET
me: YES. STRUMPET
me: YOU STRUMPET WITH YOUR STEAMING GOLDEN LOCKS
me: ALLOWING ME TO STROKE YOUR QUIVERING WOMANFLESH AFTER ONLY FOUR HOURS OF KNOWING ME
me: and you're like BUT YOU ROOFIED ME
her: heehee quivering womanflesh
me: and he's like BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO
me: DARLING
me: and then he cries
me: and makes you put on lotion
her: and uses his tears to thin his paints
me: nonono, he uses YOUR tears
her: OR BOTH TEARS COMBINED
me: YES BOTH
her: TO REPRESENT THE BONDING OF YOUR SOULS
me: and then he's like DO YOU WANT TO SEE MY POEMS
me: and then he's like THEY ARE IN MY SECRET ROOM
me: and it's a room with a chandelier and everything is in soft focus - except for a glaring spotlight on the carcass of a frog
her: I DONT SHOW ANYONE MY SECRET ROOM BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH
me: and he goes THIS IS THE PLACE I COME TO WEEP
me: AND FIND MY SOUL
me: HELP ME FIND ME SOUL
me: and you back away slowly - and then suddenly he's in the doorway
her: !
me: YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT DARLING
me: he whips out a paintbrush and some watercolours
me: OH GOD NO. NOT THE WATERCOLOURS.
her: I WANTED TO SHOW YOU
me: YOU GIVE ME NO CHOICE
her: I WANTED TO SHOW YOU MY SOUL
me: BUT NOW I MUST PAINT IN WATERCOLOUR
her: NOOOOOOOO
me: I WILL PAINT A FIELD OF HORSES! THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE DONE! I HOPE YOURE HAPPY!!
me: *(hella paints in watercolour)*
her: you sit in a corner, weeping
me: and later that night he comes up to you while you're asleep in your corner, curled in a ball away from the bed of fear and candlewax and he cuts off some of your hair
me: and smells it, and is like YOU INSPIRE ME, MY LOVELY
her: and then goes to his secret room and masturbates to it- but it's not called masturbation
me: nonono of course not... it's FINDING HIS SOUL
her: there ya go
me: he's like NOW I KNOW MYSELF
me: AND NOW YOU HAVE SERVED YOUR PURPOSE
her: so he spends all night in his secret room finding himself to the lock of hair
me: and then he puts you in a basement where the wallpaper is all that weird seventies stuff where it looks like trees in autumn and shit like that, and there are shelves and shelves of those eagles statuettes and the lighting is really soft
her: AND THERE IS MORE ENYA
me: and he keeps you there for like ten weeks only feeding you strawberries and mashed sweet potatoes and hot cocoa
her: topped with marshmallows
me: until finally you break and become one of his love slaves
me: THOMAS
me: THOMAS WILL WE SHARE THE SACRED BOND TODAY?
me: and he smiles benevolently: 'If you're good, Millificent. Now go work on the genetically engineered unicorns.' and you bow and kiss the hem of his gleaming white robe and do his bidding in hopes of a candle wax and rose petal SACRED BOND later in the secret room with the frog.
her: always all caps: SACRED BOND
her: you hope to someday become his favorite now. the hair thing is now more flattering to you than creepy as hell
me: yeah. because he doesn't cut it off anymore. YOU ARE THERE SHARING THE MOMENT. HELPING HIM FIND HIS SOUL
her: you'd think after all the soul finding he does he'd have found it by now
me: but no
me: which is why you have to help him find more SOUL BONDING partners
me: you go out to bars. you distract the girl; he slips her the ENLIGHTENMENT POTION
her: hahahaha- and if you're good, sometimes you even get to SOUL BOND with her yourself
me: while he watches and tries to FIND HIS SOUL... with the aid of a video camera
me: one day you question him
me: IS THIS REALLY RIGHT, OH PAINTER OF LIGHT?
me: he beats you with an eagle statue for ten hours straight
me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND NOW, MILLIFICENT?!
me: YES PAINTER OF LIGHT *(you sob)* I AM ENLIGHTENED. THANK YOU.
her: I AM SORRY FOR EVER DOUBTING YOU!! CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?!
me: yes. now. let us SOUL BOND, I feel our SOUL BOND slipping.
her: THANK YOU, YOU ARE A MERCIFUL PAINTER OF LIGHT
me: we shall SOUL BOND for three weeks without stopping
me: and then perhaps you can help me with a painting.
her: you kiss his robe some more and cry, genuinely happy
me: and then he tells you the frog will be there too, and you will be enlightened, and you feel the bliss of knowing all that is good welling up within you
me: THANK YOU OH PAINTER OF LIGHT FOR FINALLY ALLOWING ME TO BE WITH THE FROG
her: so one night after the frog, he walks into the SECRET ROOM where you are praying to him
her: and he tells you that in order to truly understand him
her: you and him and one of those horses he paints are all going to SOUL BOND
me: and you are like A REAL HORSE?! and he is like NO, A PAINTING. and you are like OH MASTER OF LIGHT PAINTINGSSSS YOU ARE TRULY THE WAY OF LIFE
her: i kinda want some cereal
me: I want to SOUL BOND with some cereal.
her: thomas kinkade, of course, does not believe in cereal. he grows all his food -or, rather, all his love slaves grow his food, because thomas kinkade doesn't like all the IMPURITIES in normal food
me: he just doesn't believe in synthetics. like... he thinks they're make-believe
her if he can't pronounce it, it doesn't exist
me: if he can't paint it in soft focus it doesn't exsist.

her: "glucose? obviously a DEMON WORD"
me: are those DORITOS!? perhaps you aren't cut out to be my SOUL BONDEER
her: GO PRAY IN THE SECRET ROOM UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
her: all three meals of the day involve strawberries and that chocolate syrup stuff, and marshmallows
me: HOME GROWN MARSHMALLOWS
her: but he spells it "marshmellows" because he's an idiot
her: http://www.nndb.com/people/701/000026623/thomas-kinkade.jpg
see, he is totally the type of dude that would spell it marshmellows
me: oh god
me: and you know that every wednesday - which he does not call wednesday
her: Holy Day Number 3
me: yes, on Holy Day Number 3 if you have been good you may groom his moustache
her: grooming his moustache means going to a room dedicated for this activity
me: there is not a frog in there, but there is a small polar bear chained to a fountain in which you must bathe nude to prepare for the moustache grooming.
me: the fountain's water is pinkish. WITH LOVE.
her: afterwards you must wear the special moustache grooming robes
me: the robes are woven of
me: special, holy, moustache hairs
her: oh jesus that's so gross -.-
me: but NOT HIS moustache hairs.
her: dude. apparently kinkade's title, painter of light? SELF PROCLAIMED. what a douche.
me: no shock there. he is not just the painter of light. HE IS THE MASTER OF LIGHT
me: but if he said it he might sound egotistical
her: so just, painter of light, even though he's secretly waiting for someone to wall him the master of light, just one person who is not a SOUL BONDER. so it's at least kind of legit.
me: he writes poetry about that day.
me: he will not eat dolphins because they are his brethren. everything else is golden. ESPECIALLY dragons and sloths. oh but not eagles or wolves - ALSO BRETHREN
her: or horses. but UNICORNS! he especially loves unicorns with a side of strawberries.and champagne. always champagne
me: the unicorns have to be organic though
her: only free-range unicorns for MR. KINKADE
me: MASTER OF LIGHT
her: if the unicorns aren't free-range he beats several of his soul bonders for hours
me: and then takes one of them to the ROOM OF ANGRY BADGERS
her: the badgers are all angry because he's painted on all of them. it's a well known fact that badgers hate houses and flowers and soft focus
me: with a fiery passion. he throws you into the room where the badgers will argue with you about existentialism and nuke-yuh-lurr power and jaysus as the one true light and path. he releases you into the sunlight and flowers. there is a cottage and a waterfall. you fall to your knees and weep in gratitude
her: then you soul bond some more under the waterfall
me: trying to ignore the bumblebees
her: and you can't really see anything cause the water is falling so hard
me: and then you realize it wasn't him. it was a unicorn!
me: OH MY GOD THE UNICORN. They are the same.
her: you run screaming from the unicorn until you realize he's like dracula but instead of a bat he turns into a unicorn. and instead of not being able to go out in the day he can only go out in the day.
abitterday: THAT'S WHY HE'S THE MASTER OF LIGHT BECAUSE HE IS LIKE BACKWARDS DRACULA!! AND HE HATES THE DARK!!
her: he sleeps with a little unicorn shaped night light
me: no, it's one of his paintings but the light behind the waterfall makes it look like the water is moving
me: he tells you it is a miracle of his doing
me: because
me: because
me: HE IS THE MASTER OF THE LIGHT
her: you are so in awe of his abilities that you just sit there with your mouth agape

me: yesssss, and then he walks over and slaps you
me: STOP INTERRUPTING MY SACRED THOUGHTS
her: you quickly apologize and bow
me: forgive me, master of light
her: and he says no matter, since you have been good and since it is now Holy Day Number 3, you may groom my moustache
me: you are overjoyed
me: afterwards, you realize something and sneak into the secret room and paint some houses and flowers in soft focus
me: he discovers you!
me: he stands in the doorway for a moment
me: later in the day, there is a moment or two of silence to mourn the SOUL BONDEER who was lost to the path of the Stream of Death and Chaos.
x

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